Danny Dyer is *still* a cunt

Well, well.

Seems like everyone is catching on. It turns out that besides being a smug, talentless prick, Danny Dyer is now advising spurned boyfriends to cut the faces of their ex so that no-one else will want them. This was in response to a question asked on his weekly “agony” column in vacuous lad mag Zoo.

My previous complaints about Danny were really about his enormous ego. This story just reinforces his cockney cunt persona. I’m actually struggling to put into words quite how distateful and repugnant he is.

Danny – quit with the “I’ve been misquoted” line. The column’s got your name and your face on it. While I’m sure you didn’t actually write it (as you’d struggle to write anything with words longer than 3 syllables), you’re still responsible.

And you’re still a complete and utter cunt. Glad to know I’m not the only one who thinks so, though…

Dom Joly’s opinion of Danny Dyer

General Election 2010

2010 was always going to be an election year. The campaign itself has been running for close to a month, and the end is near. This thursday, the UK electorate votes for a new government, and potentially a new prime minister.

This is the fourth general election in which I’ve been able to vote, and in that time, I’ve seen a new government sweep to power (1997), and since then I’ve seen that party make so many great strides forward for Britain, and yet at the same time let me down on so many levels.

The Labour party (I refuse to refer to them as ‘New Labour’) swept into power on the promise of a fairer society. That Britain would be a meritocracy, that money would no longer be able to buy you privilege. That those people at the top of the financial scale would pay their fair share of tax to ensure that the poorest in our society wouldn’t have as little. That government would no longer be soiled by scandal, bribery and influence-peddling. We were going to see reform of the House of Lords. No longer would a family name entitle people to have a say in how our country is governed.

Where are we now?

For a start, we’re 13 years down the line from Tony Blair’s crushing 1997 victory. 13 years in which some people in Britain have prospered. Some people have risen out of poverty, while others have remained mired in the same holes they were in 13 years ago. We have a national minimum wage, which successive Conservative governments (and oppositions parties) argued would bankrupt tens of thousands of businesses every year, and which in fact did nothing of the sort. We have more schools, we have more hospitals, and the NHS has so much money it employs a personal assistant for every doctor and nurse in the country (OK, that was a lie).

So things got a lot better. People felt wealthy as the value of their houses rose. People could borrow more, buy more things, build bigger houses, consume more. But it was all built on sand. And the sand moved in 2008, with the banking crash.

While I wouldn’t say I played any part in the banking crash, you could argue that I benefited directly from the behaviour that contributed to it, since the deposit on my house was paid from money earned in bonus payments from the bank that I work for. So I’m as much to blame as any other home owner out there who took out a mortgage at a ridiculously low rate that it was obvious the banks couldn’t sustain.

My point is that none of us are blameless. We, as consumers, knew that the financial boom couldn’t last forever, and yet we carried on spending, and borrowing and consuming like there was no tomorrow. Our financial institutions and our government knew that the boom couldn’t last forever, and yet they carried on borrowing, lending, spending and consuming as much as they thought they could get away with.

And that’s why we find ourselves at a crossroads with this general election in 2010.

Britain has a history of lurching from one side of the political spectrum to another, because of the ludicrous way our parliamentary first-past-the-post electoral system operates. For decades we’ve swung between the Labour Party and the Conservative party. The ‘workers’ and the ‘management’ parties. It’s easy to think that this election will see the inevitable swing back to the right that the newspaper and the media (and David Cameron) were expecting.

Except this election could be different. For the first time in my lifetime there appears to be a credible alternative party in Britain. And they could hold the balance of power at the forthcoming election if people actually vote the way they keep telling the polling organisations they will (although I’m naturally wary of all market research companies).

What I’ve found most remarkable about this election is the way that the Liberal Democrats have emerged as a credible alternative to the two-party state. It appears to have all started with the first televised debate between the three Westminster party’s leaders. This was a first for Britain. Previously, we’d been a bit too stiff-upper lip (or at least, far too blase) to actually have the leaders of the parties debate each other. It just wasn’t British. Television debates were for those savage, backward types in the colonies (and the US). And yet, when the debate did happen, people actually opened their eyes and realised that there was actually a 3rd party they could vote for – and they actually had some ideas that make sense!

It makes me angry, and frustrates me that the people of Britain are so apathetic that it took a televised leaders debate to make them actually wake up to an alternative voice in British politics. Were people paying such limited attention to the country’s political landscape that they were unaware that a 3rd party even existed?

After the first leader’s debate Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats saw a huge leap in their polling figures. As a I write, following the third and final debate, and with the election looming this thursday, those polling figures still seem to be holding up. It appears that for the first time since 1974, Britain is heading for a hung parliament, with no one party in control.

With a hung parliament the most likely outcome (according to polling data), political attention has turned not to the Lib Dem’s policies, but to merely a cat-and-mouse game of trying to work out who they would side with. And it’s this which makes me most angry of all.

The media in our country (both newspapers and TV) like to portray themselves as above politics. They aim to inform us, to root out injustice and hypocrisy in our politicians. At least, that’s how they like to portray themselves. Instead, they’ve actually become part of the problem.

I had been moved to write this piece earlier in the campaign and chose not to. But a fairly insignificant event took place today which cut through my own apathy and made me sit down and type.

The BBC news channel were showing live footage of a Lib Dem rally in Streatham. Quite honestly, it felt a little uncomfortable, with almost a punch-and-judy pantomime style speech by Nick Clegg (whether it was intentional or not, the crowd might as well have been chanting “he’s behind you” about David Cameron). But it wasn’t the uncomfortable speech that prompted me to write. Shortly after returning from a weather forecast, a local BBC reporter spoke to Nick Clegg. But rather than ask him about his policies, or how he would help the people of Streatham, about the quality of the local candidate, or what good he (or she – since the candidate’s name was never mentioned by the BBC) would do for the local area, there was simply one question that the reporter wanted to ask. “Who would you side with in the event of a hung parliament?” “No, I really need to push you on this – don’t you think the voters deserve to know?”

This might have been just an annoying local reporter wanting to get her foot on the ladder to becoming a Westminster correspondent, but it struck me as representing the election in a microcosm. The media don’t want to have to discuss policy with politicians, because they think the viewers don’t like it – and they’re right. So instead they stick to trying to get a soundbite out of the politicians in the hope that they’ll feature on the main news broadcasts. “If I get a scoop about what the Lib Dems will do in the event of a hung parliament, I might get promoted!”. The viewers, meanwhile claim to not want to be patronised by politicians – and yet when the politicians do talk about policy, the nation switches off. Or goes off to moan about immigrants taking all of the (low paid) jobs (that British people feel are beneath them).

So the broadcasters have to take their fair share of the blame. Primarily I find myself angry with the BBC, as it’s their news I watch most. Sky obviously have their proprietorial agenda, and ITV news is just utter trash, suitable only for people who don’t know the meaning of the word hyperbole. But they all share this incessant need to create a story, rather than try to actually try to understand party policies, and their underlying reasons, influences and impacts.

The newspapers also need to take their fair share of the blame. And in this, not one newspaper escapes unscathed. I’m not even going to get into how disgusting the Daily Mail is with it’s “Clegg Nazi Slur” headline. Likewise the Sun and the Express make me want to vomit. However, newspapers like the Guardian, with its liberal-leaning bias have been equally culpable during this election campaign. I point you at this article in the Guardian. This entire article was written after watching Nick Clegg being interviewed by Andrew Marr the previous day. I also watched that interview. And anyone with an ounce of political awareness could tell that the article was written entirely with its own agenda. The newspapers think they have to interpret things for us, to tell us a story, to explain what Nick Clegg actually said. The story becomes what he meant, rather than what he actually said. The BBC were also complicit in this, since they spent the entire day replaying, and having a seemingly 15-year old “Westminster correspondent” dissecting the interview (or, more accurately, a 30 second clip of it). The “correspondent” again seemed desperate to make a story out of something that was actually a very straightforward conversation. Nick Clegg quite openly expressed a view that (shock horror!) the party with the most votes should get the first opportunity to create a ruling coalition in the event of a hung parliament. And that it was actual votes rather than parliamentary seats that is important. And that his party wouldn’t be interested in sharing power with either the Conservatives or Labour unless they were prepared to share a legislative agenda with the Lib Dems, including electoral and financial reform, as well as cleaning up the decades of financial abuses from politicians across the political spectrum.

This interview became the story. The story wasn’t about the Lib Dem’s political agenda. It was about what they would do in the event of a hung parliament. Rather than let us hear the actual interview again, the BBC push forward a spotty-faced oik to tell the viewing public what the BBC interpreted Nick Clegg’s comments as meaning. Once again the media (in all it’s forms) failed in its duty to educate the voters of this country, instead preferring to childishly pursue one single line of questioning. “Are we there yet dad?”

So that’s where we’re at. A faltering economy, an election days away, Britain seemingly becoming more isolationist and right-wing, and a government I previously supported breathing its last.

You may think after reading this paean to the lib Dems, that that’s who I’ll be voting for on Thursday. You may be right. For the first time in 13 years I go into an election still trying to weigh up who’ll get my vote. My choice is made all the more difficult by the fact that my constituency MP is a remarkably honest, decent, honourable man. He was not involved in the expenses scandal (other than to stand out as one of the beacons of honesty trying to fix the system). He stands up for his constituents, and he doesn’t slavishly follow his party’s line. In fact, looking at his electoral leaflet, it takes a minute to actually spot the party logo – it’s almost as if he’s ashamed of the party which he purports to represent.

And therein lies my problem. For all his honesty and honour, he represents a party that I no longer feel represents me. I don’t think I’ve changed. Those people who know me know that I’m as much of an agitator and political animal as I always was. But the Labour party have forgotten who they represent, and who they need to stand up for. Whichever way I eventually vote, I won’t do so with a heavy heart, because I’ll either be voting to change the electoral system or for an honourable man who’ll subject whichever party is in power to the same level of scrutiny he’s always applied.

I just hope that my vote counts for something. And I hope my next post isn’t under the auspices of a new landslide conservative government, which truly would be a disaster for this country.

It’s not just for kids…

I’m often criticised for deliberately NOT watching/reading Harry Potter books, or films intended for kids. It’s a principled stand, and one that I’m entirely happy with. As someone once said, when I’ve read all the adult books, then I’ll move onto the kids ones.

So when the official funniest site on the internet creates a video which delivers my point of view better than I ever could, I have to defer to them and link you right to it…

Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children’s Picture Book Series

I say it too often – but The Onion is a work of genius. If I’m having a bad day, I’ll take a look at the back catalogue of Onion Magazine covers, and I’m guaranteed one will make me smile or laugh out loud. Some of them can reduce me to tears.

Read The Onion, folks. It’s a fucking work of art.

Forza Motorsport 3

One of the other excuses for my lack of blog updates during September and October is the release of Forza Motorsport 3 on the Xbox 360 on October 22nd. Of all the different types of games I enjoy, I have to single out the driving games. Driving games just feed something in me like no other game. Before Forza 3 arrived, I’d been putting in some time with Need For Speed: SHIFT. I’ve got a few things to say about that one as well, in my round up of half a dozen games that I’ve been playing until Forza took over. That’ll be coming along at some point in the near future.

Strangely, driving isn’t a passion of mine. I glaze over when colleagues and friends talk about and drool over the latest cars, or bang on about Top Gear and what Clarkson et al thought about this car or that. So it took me a while to figure out exactly what it is about Forza 3 that I enjoy as much as I do.

The appeal of Forza for me is twofold. Most of all, I think it appeals to the perfectionist in me. Completing lap after lap in an attempt to find the fastest line; to hit each corner correctly; to brake as late as I possibly can – it just never gets old. As long as the car in game feels good to drive, I could race for hours. The best thing about Forza 3 in comparison to the previous game in the series is the sheer number of environments that you can race in/through; a Japanese mountainside, numerous speedway ovals, an Italian village on the side of a hill, Formula 1 circuits like Barcelona and Silverstone, the Le Mans 24 hour circuit, the fearsome and legendary Nurburgring in Germany, and a mesa-enclosed circuit in the middle of an American desert, amongst many others. These circuits all look beautiful too. Sure, there might be other games out there that push more polygons, have shinier cars, etc. But nothing looks quite as classy and rock-solid as Forza 3. With so many different locations and so many variations on these circuits, it’ll be a very long time before I’ve done the perfect lap on every track. However long it takes though, I know I’ll have enjoyed getting there.

It’s the collector and hoarder part of me that also loves Forza 3. Games like these with hundreds of different cars in them just play to that part of me that never quite grew up, and wanted to collect all of those toy cars and put them in a big box to play with whenever I felt like . There’s over 400 car models in Forza 3, and there’s a part of me that wants them all in my in-game garage. I’ll probably never quite get around to that, due to the prices charged for some of the cars, and the amount of time it would take to buy them all. In fact, the ability to collect every car out there is one of the reasons that I bought the ‘Collector’s Edition’ of the game. It wasn’t the 2Gb memory stick, and the etched keyring. It was the fact that the collectors edition allows access to 5 cars that will never be made available to anyone else. It’s also meant that I receive free cars from the developers whenever they feel like it… which seems to be quite often. Let’s say, me likey. And I’d definitely recommend the collectors edition if you’re quite as anal as I am about the car-collecting

One of the greatest things about this game is that it isn’t just a game. The number of people who buy forza to do something other than race is just huge. People buy this game to paint cars and make the coolest videos possible. Some of the painting work is absolutely astonishing if you look at the relatively primative tools that are used to create the images. You can photograph your cars, or even just take some shots of the (gorgeous) scenery. My attempts are pretty amateurish compared to most of the photos taken in-game. But here’s a few of the photos I’ve taken so far, including my Welsh themed car…

As I said, those are just my fairly random in-game photos. To see some of the finest shots taken, have a look at the best pictures selected by the developers here. Once you’ve admired those, take a look at a photostream of every single photo uploaded by users to forzamotorsport.net, in the community gallery, here.

So, how does the game play? In my opinion, it plays really well. It’s car racing, so obviously, there isn’t a huge variation in how the game plays, but the choice of circuits and the events themselves, provides about as much variety as you can within a driving game. There are point-to-point races (like rally stages). There’s oval/speedway racing. There’s circuit racing over some world-famous closed and open-road circuits. There’s even drag racing. All of these different types of racing can be tackled in one of 10 different car classes, ranging from family sedans and SUVs through supercars like the Ferrari FXX, right the way up to LeMans-style race cars with unbelieveable acceleration and braking.

More than anything, what Forza 3 offers is the chance to play the game at a level that suits you. You can tweak the gameplay and difficulty to your heart’s content. Want the 360 to deal with your braking? You can do that. Do you want to see where the ideal racing line is, and how fast you should be approaching? That too. And do you have one of those stupidly expensive Fanatec racing wheels with gear stick and clutch pedals? Yep, you can play Forza with that too – manual gear changes with clutch. Not for the feint-hearted, that one.

The point is, that you can make Forza as easy or as hard as you want it to. Sure, it can sometimes feel like a bit of a grind once you reach certain points of the 6 racing seasons, but if you get bored of a particular race type, you can always pick a new event, or a different car and take your career in a different direction. Or you can duck out of the season mode altogther and pick your events much like Forza 2 allowed you to.

The one thing I can’t comment on at the moment is the online aspect of Forza 3. I’ve only recently started playing online again, dipping my toe into the waters of FIFA 10 (review soon). The impression I have of Forza online is that private races allow for all sorts of customsiable options, while the standard ranked races are a bit more hit & miss. As with any racing game online, I think a lot will depend on who you’re racing with, and whether or not they respect ‘the rules’ of racing (i.e. not weaving, not ploughing into people at the first corner, etc.). In general, I think that the Forza community are a good bunch, but you need to beware of the usual arseholes, as with most games.

So, all in all, I’d say Forza is possibly the best racing game available on 360. Whether or not it beats Gran Turismo 5 (due out on the PS3 probably sometime in 2010) we’ll have to wait and see. Certainly GT5′s promised weather effects, and 800+ cars may tip the balance in it’s favour. But it’s going to take an awful lot to beat Forza 3.

See you online. I’ll be the one ploughing into people at the 1st corner. And if you’re not on my friends list, feel free to buy something from my storefront and net me another 10 gamer score. I’ll pay you back. Honest.

I Am THE Gordon Brown

Imagine my surprise and fascination when I found out that the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown had decided to email me personally.

It happened before all that fuss with Gordon’s spelling mistakes that the Sun concocted (and had backfire on them). Maybe Gordon’s being a bit more circumspect now with who he emails. But I know this one was really meant for me. After all, it’s not any old Gordon Brown who wrote to me. It’s THE Gordon Brown. I mean, no-one would be that stupid; to send me an email scam claiming to be the Prime Minister, right?

Well, I’ll let you judge for yourself. Seriously – if these guys had someone to proofread their English, they’d be dangerous. Let’s hope (for the vulnerable and gullible people of this world) that that never happens, eh?

IMMEDIATE PAYMENT NOTIFICATION
Thursday, 22 October, 2009 5:25 PM
From: “OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER” <capmin@ciplima.org.pe>
To: undisclosed-recipients

OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER
TREASURY AND MINISTER FOR CIVIL SERVICE,
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM.

Our ref: ATM/13470/IDR
Your ref:…Date: 22/10/2009

IMMEDIATE PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

I am The Gordon Brown MP,Prime Minister British Government. This letter is to officially inform you that
(ATM Card Number 048000101775550) has been accredited in your favor. Your
Personal Identification Number is 0477.The VISA Card Value is
£2,000,000.00(Two Million, Great British Pounds Sterling).

This office will send to you a Visa/ATM CARD that you will use to withdraw
your funds in any ATM MACHINE CENTER or Visa card outlet in the world with a
maximum of £5000 GBP daily.Further more,You will be required to re-confirm
the following information to enable;The Carl Jones Secretary of
State for Foreign and Common wealth Affairs. begin in processing of your
VISA CARD.

(1)Full names:
(2)Address:
(3)Country:
(4)Nationality:
(5)Phone #
(6): Age:
(7)Occupation:
(8) Post Codes

Forward Reply To: claims.desk001@yahoo.com.hk

TAKE NOTICE: That you are warned to stop further communications with any
other person(s) or office(s) different from the staff of the State for
Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs to avoid hitches in receiving your payment.

Regards,

The Gordon Brown
Prime Minister

The Brilliance of last.fm

I like listening to music I like.  That’s a fairly stupid thing to say, I know, but hear me out.

I like listening to music, but I couldn’t tell you exactly why I like the music I do. What I do know is that my music tastes seem to stop at around the mid to late 90s.  So unless I want to just listen to everything I already own over and over again, I need to find some way of hearing some new music. Some ‘new’ music discoveries have come from reading other blogs (see the forthcoming post on my discovery of Bob Dylan), but unless I want to listen to the radio, it gets a little tricky finding new music to listen to. Honestly, I just can’t listen to the radio these days. I know there are good shows out there, like Radcliffe & Maconie on Radio 2, and Marc Riley on 6 music, but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the time to devote to listening to them, on the off-chance they might play something new that I like. It’s for that reason that I think the music-based social networking site last.fm is fucking great.

For those readers who’ve never seen last.fm – go-on. Click the link and take a look, then come back here. I can wait.

Finished? Good. Believe me, you’ll want to bookmark the site, because once you get started, you’ll be wanting to go back regularly. (Can I suggest that if you plan to go back a lot, it might be worth installing adblock plus under firefox if you plan to visit a lot?)

OK, so what exactly is last.fm? In essence, it’s a mix of three different things. First and foremost, it’s a music tracking site (with accompanying applications), with a huge database behind it. The idea is that the site and the application keeps a track of what you listen to (called ‘scrobbling’), and analyses what you play and offers you lots of information about your favourite artists, and suggestions for other music you might like. You don’t have to take any of those suggestions, but they’re there if you want to step outside your usual listening habits.

Secondly, the site now has a huge library of licensed music that it can play out on customised radio stations. It records the details of the tracks you listen to and, amongst other things, it will let you play a station featuring only music that you like (or is part of your library at any rate). Now, this isn’t perfect by any means, and the limiting factor is that not all of the music you have in your library is licensed by last.fm and therefore it can’t be played on your radio station. However, once you’ve built up a sizeable library, you’ll barely be able to notice the stuff that’s missing. As well as a station based on what you’ve already played, you can select band-specific stations (although the bands in question can’t always be played – such as the Beatles station, or Bob Dylan radio). These stations play music either by that band (if available), or bands in the same genre. In this way, you get to hear music that (mostly) matches your tastes, and expands your listening library at the same time.

The final bit of last.fm is the social networking side. The social networking features of last.fm aren’t really on a par with something like facebook; let’s be honest, no-one is going to abandon facebook for last.fm. However, what the site does is allow you to join groups of users who are into the same sort of music, make ‘friends’ with other users, and see what they’re listening to, and also to see what other users with similar tastes to yours are listening to. There’s a huge community of people who love music on last.fm, so you’ll be guaranteed to find people with tastes like yours.

So, I’ve explained what the site is and how it works. However, the key component of last.fm is the way that everything hangs together. While the site itself could do with a few improvements (the navigation isn’t always obvious), the thing that impresses me the most is the volume of data crunching done, and the innovative ways that the simple collection of listening data can be turned into a load of weird and wonderful displays. Many of the things linked below are found on the last.fm playground which I discovered only very recently. If you’re a regular user of the site, I recommend keeping an eye on this page.

For instance, how about seeing your recent listening habits illustrated in the form of a London-style tube map? Easy. How about seeing all of the music listening on the site depicted as a series of tag/genre islands? No problem.

There’s a load of other information available on the site, as you can see in the gallery below, such as artist biographies, links to music videos both on the site itself and on youtube, your own weekly, monthly and all-time charts…

And the reason I’m posting about last.fm now? Well, it’s mainly down to it’s inclusion in the forthcoming Xbox 360 system update. For the first time, I can actually use last.fm away from the PC. As great as the website is, why bother streaming my music over the internet (and not hearing everything I own, due to licencing restrictions), when I could just listen to the music that’s right there on the hard drive? Now, there’s actually a really good reason to use the radio station functionality.

The implementation of last.fm on Xbox 360 has opted to concentrate on the music, rather than the more social sides. I’m sure the social aspects will be delivered in the future, because it would be fascinating to find out what sort of music your xbox live friends listen to, and to find out the sort of games your last.fm friends are playing. The focus on the radio stations is a sensible one though, since it’s allowed the developers the chance to implement a really simple, clean user interface, based on the 360′s “New Xbox Experience” sliding menu selection UI. Not only can you play your own library tracks (including tracks that seemingly aren’t licenced to play on the website… very odd), you can play your recommendations station, and stations for your top 50 artists. Ignoring your library altogether, you can play stations of the top 50 most popular artists on the site, listen to genre radio based on tags added by other users, or choose from a selection of videogame related stations. All of the tracks played through the last.fm stations on the 360 can be scrobbled (or not, if you’re trying some stations that you think you might not like). And while the music’s playing, you get to see a selection of photos of the band, or the chance to read the band’s biography from the last.fm site. It’s all very, very slick. The last.fm app is currently only available as part of the Xbox live preview programme, but should be available to all Xbox Live gold subscribers on or around 17th November.

The last thing to mention is the applications that power the site. The original windows scrobbler can be downloaded here, and there are versions available for the iphone/ipod as well as for android phones and the blackberry. The most important thing for me is the availability of Zenses. Zenses is a brilliant application which uses some simple logic to pull listening statistics from MTP devices (newer generation mp3 players) and can create scrobbles to be sent to last.fm. If you own a Creative Zen device and have been looking on enviously while your iPod owning friends get to scrobble tracks, then download Zenses from the beta site here and get scrobbling.

And the best thing of all about last.fm? The world-beating site was founded and is still based and developed here on these shores, with it’s development office based in Shoreditch, in Central London. Britain still rules when it comes to music…!

All that remains is to say…….let the new music discovery begin.

The Xbox Live Preview Programme

So, one of the things I’ve been up to during my blogging absence was enrolling on the Xbox Live preview programme. For anyone who doesn’t know what this is, every 6-9 months Microsoft release an update to the system software on the Xbox 360, and they allow a certain number of people early access to this update to test it out, check the new functionality, comment on what you like/don’t like, and to squash the odd bug here & there. It seems to be one of the ways that journalists get to see the update before the rest of the plebs who get the update when Microsoft are ready to push it out.

It’s all very simple to enroll. If you follow any of the tech blogs such as engadget, or video game blogs such as kotaku, joystiq, or even the xbox-only Major Nelson blog, you’ll get an idea of when Microsoft are due for an update and when they’ll start taking enrollments. Once you’re set up on the Microsoft Connect website (which they use for developers to provide feedback on other software), you’ll see details of what’s included in the update – if you’re not already aware (and if you read the blogs linked above, you’ll pretty much know everything that’s due to be in the update).

Then, when you least expect it, Microsoft will push the console update out to you as part of a wave of users receiving the update. It’s all pretty painless. And then – there you are, one step ahead of most of your other Xbox 360-owning friends.

This time around, there’s a load of social networking features being added to the 360 (which is one of the main reasons I wanted to get involved – although I did also get the last update early, and I can’t remember what was in that one!). Figuring that I spend way too much time arseing around on facebook anyway, and facebook functionality was one of the things being added, it seemed like a good idea to see how things would work.

And indeed it was a good idea, because as well as facebook functionality, the new update brought with it the last.fm music player function, twitter connectivity, the music marketplace, and 1080p online video streaming via the Zune marketplace. There’s also a thing called “Halo Waypoint“, which is a massive Halo portal. Anyone who owns any of the 5 (and counting) Halo games on the original Xbox or the 360 will be sure to find something of interest in the app – be it Halo anime, videos depicting the Halo back story, or another opportunity for achievement-whoring.

So what can I tell you? Well, I was just wondering if I clicked something that puts me under a Microsoft Non Disclosure Agreement (NDA) by taking the preview? Fuck it. Every video games blog under the sun has had a video preview of the features, so I’m guessing they’re hardly a secret.

Having had the update for a week or two now, it’s fair to say I’m pretty much enjoying all of the new features. And using them on a pretty regular basis, with the exception of the Zune Video Marketplace (which involves cold hard cash – or microsoft space-points).

The Video marketplace seems like a bit of a step backwards. I can’t comment on whether or not the prices are better or worse than before (I think I bought one standard definition film previously, and it wasn’t a recent release), but the selection seems more limited than I remember. Also, if you go to certain movie categories, you’re greeted with a message saying “no content in this list”. It looks pretty embarrassing. The big thing with the video marketplace is that now it supports immediate streaming of the film you’ve rented, in a quality up to 1080p, providing your broadband connection can cope with it. Personally, I don’t have any 1080p TVs in the house, and I have metered broadband, so that in itself isn’t a killer feature (and I can’t confirm if it works). The immediate delivery sounds like a great idea, and actually gives Microsoft a slight advantage of something like Sky Box Office, which generally has start times every 15 minutes or so at best. Previously I would have tipped the balance to Sky Box Office, since you had to wait for the whole film to download before you could watch it. Fair to say that people not on metered broadband, with a solid connection, owning a 1080p TV, and way more money to waste than I do might get some joy out of this functionality. Me – not so much.

The slightly odd thing about the video marketplace is the branding. Why rebrand the existing video marketplace as the “Zune Video Marketplace”, when no-one outside of North America has access to buy a zune device or even know what a Zune device is? Maybe it’s a precursor to a worldwide launch of Microsoft’s Zune portable media players?  It seems an odd way around – to launch the software before the hardware. In reality, I think Microsoft are well aware that they’ve pretty much missed the boat with this one again (hello iPod touch!).

Moving on to my absolute favourite bit of the update, I cannot tell you how great the last.fm functionality is on Xbox 360. If I wasn’t already a gold subscriber, I think this would actually be worth the price of admission alone.

I’m planning a much bigger blog post about last.fm and why I think it’s so great in the next week or so;  suffice to say that the Xbox 360 version of last.fm trims some of the fat from the website, and pares everything down to the real meat of the site – playing music you like, or music it thinks you’ll like. It seems to be missing one or two features that popped up in the preview screenshots, such as party listening, but that is probably just a bit of icing on the cake. It’s that good that I’ve been inspired to pay for a last.fm subscription to ensure ad-free delivery, and non-interrupted streams (you’re interrupted every hour if you haven’t touched a button). What I would say is that it certainly works well for me, having been a last.fm website user for a couple of years, and having built up a sizeable library of tracks I like/don’t like. For users brand new to last.fm it may not work quite so well, but it will obviously improve over time as you build up your library and the database crunching behind the scenes can establish listening tastes. To get you to that point, there’s a load of pre-set radio stations, you can play you’re own library (if it’s big enough), and you can select tagged radio stations (like “80′s electronica” for instance) and you’ll hear lots of music you know, or don’t know, but all based off your selections. Again – there’s plenty of work to be done here to integrate the social aspect of last.fm (such as friends’ music tastes, what they’re listening to, finding friends on xbox live with similar music tastes, etc.), but with this update it definitely appears that the focus has been on the core music delivery function. The more social functions can come later.

Twitter. What can I say about the twitter functionality? Well, knowing that there was going to be a twitter function in this new Xbox update was probably the final straw in making me jump on the twitter bandwagon. I’m still not entirely sure what twitter is meant to be used for, and why anyone would care less what I’ve got to say that’s 140 words or less, but the functionality works reasonably well. It’s pretty basic stuff. Where it falls down is that twitter has now evolved to the point where most tweets include a shortened URL or link to a picture, neither of which are accessible via the 360, since there’s no web browser available.  Let’s say that what’s there now is a start – but with a lot left to improve (including the logon process which seems to pointlessly require an extra click to get in). Note that the screenshot you see of the Twitter function is an early version – things have been made a little more organised since this shot was taken. Also – look out for a post about why I jumped on the twitter bandwagon in the near future.

And finally, we come to the facebook functionality. Quite frankly, it’s a real mixed bag, and whether you’ll find it of any use will depend entirely on what you use facebook for. If you’re like me, and you use facebook to check other people’s status updates, post comments, post your own updates and check out photos, I’d say you’ll be fairly happy with what’s been delivered. The interface is a bit clunky, and doesn’t deal very well with posts that go beyond a limited number of characters, but it’s serviceable. If on the other hand, you use facebook for playing games, taking quizzes, chatting to your friends and emailing people, you’re really not going to like this very much at all. Realistically, Microsoft was never going to allow the use of facebook games, since it would undercut their own arcade and indie game titles. Real-time chat and email was equally unlikely to be included as these features are already included in xbox live – and let’s be honest, this is a gaming console after all. Add the lack of gaming, and the lack of chat and email to an inability to view flash videos (again, due to a lack of browser), and this feels almost as neutered as twitter.

So, those are my impressions so far. From rumours floating around the internet, there’s about another two weeks of the preview left before the updates are rolled out across the board to all online Xbox 360 owners. There could be updates to the applications in that time, as they are treated like games saved to your hard drive. I’ll be sure to update if there’s anything worthwhile added before the major update.

Probably the last thing to mention is the purpose of the preview programme is to try to squash bugs and identify questions that can be included in FAQs and the like. However, Microsoft aren’t helping much in this regard. Each weekend of the preview Microsoft has held a ‘movie night’ in an attempt to load test the boxes that are serving up the 1080p streaming video content. They have asked all users to start watching a film (of your own choice, admittedly) at 8pm on saturday night so they have as many people as possible logged in. It’s a great idea in theory. But in practice, MS are asking me to pay £5 to watch a film on a service that’s in beta and is probably expecting to have a few problems. If they really want to load test, allow every person on the preview the ability to watch a film on saturday night for free, as long as it’s started between 8pm and 9pm. Then you’ll get lots of people on to test the servers. Sorry, I won’t be tuning in. And it’s impossible to test in the UK unless you pay, since there’s no free content available. Come on MS – must do better!

Lastly, having personally been involved in software testing in recent years, I must ask everyone reading to spare a thought for the Microsoft employees having to plough through some of the comments on the Connect site. Some of the feedback is good, intelligible, useful feedback which I’m sure will be taken on board and used in further updates. But finding those pearls of wisdom is nigh-on impossible due to the colossal amount of bollocks that has been submitted. Endlessly repeated comments raised by different people, demonstrating they can’t even work a search button let alone design a decent user interface, txt spk that’s almost unintelligible, people requesting that the functions be “made better” without specifying exactly what they think is “less better” at the moment, etc. Very rarely do I wish testers good luck, but this is one of those occasions!

That’s it for the preview update. All indications are that the social networking update will hit UK Xbox 360′s on or around 17th November.

Normal service will resume shortly

Well, it’s been a while hasn’t it…. no posts in September or October. Poor form, I admit.

Normal service will, however, resume shortly. I have a week off in the very near future which will give me plenty of time to dust off the cobwebs on the site, give it a bit of a sprucing-up, and “Post the shit out of it”.

Soon, people

A positive post about advertisers

I’ve been critical of advertisers in the past. But to try and redress the balance somewhat, I do like to point out when they do something good. In this case, the good thing they’ve done is to employ Paul Whitehouse, for this fine piece of football-related car insurance selling. You must have seen it by now – but in case you haven’t:

And there’s a new one floating around, which I haven’t seen on TV yet…

Now why do I like these and not previous adverts that I’ve highlighted on this ‘ere blog? Well, the simple answer is that they are actually creative. They’re a parody. The second one is obviously a piss-take of people like Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, and their cash-in-the-attic style of shit TV programmes.

And they have been done by someone who is absolutely one of the most funny and creative people on the telly.

I won’t be buying anything from Aviva – they pissed me off way too much with all those adverts about changing their name from Norwich Union. But good to see they’ve at least had the sense to use someone funny in their adverts from now on, rather than Bruce Willis.

Gissa Job (my job, please!)

So, in two or three months time I might not have a job. My current employer is going through a “restructure”, which also involves reducing the number of people employed, and merging with another group of people who currently do the same thing.

I’ve been with the same company for more than 10 years now, which is almost unheard of in modern employment times. During that time, the company have gone through takeovers, mergers, sell-offs, and had countless internal restructures. None of these have really affected me before, so I’m sure I should think myself lucky. To have lasted as long as I have without my job being directly threatened or having to re-apply for my own job is a pretty good streak of luck.

But it’s hard to feel grateful for the good times I’ve had when my job has been threatened this time not by my own actions, or even the actions of the people around me. Instead, as is always the way in big companies, the word comes down from on high that things have to change. That another department has managed to spunk tens of billions up the wall on terrible property deals, so the rest of us have to pay with our jobs.

Quite frankly, it sucks.

Despite my moans, and my “God I’m Bored” facebook updates, I do really like my job. I like the people I work with. Most of them anyway. Some people I like probably more than they know. People listen to me. A reasonable number even pay attention to what I say. And not because they’re paid to listen – but because I know what I’m talking about. Shockingly, when I put the effort in, I’m actually very good at what I do. And honestly – this is the only job I really know how to do.

So the last few weeks have been spent condensing the last ten years of my career into a single document, including a 50 word description of myself  and my ambitions. Just think about that for a second. Up to this point, I’ve already written over 300 words. More than 6 times over the limit. Try condensing the last 10 years of your working life (and your ambitions – other than actually being re-appointed to the job you’ve been doing) into 50 words. 3 Sentences. Let’s just say those are probably the most re-written 50 words I’ve ever come up with.

Then I had to fill in detail under a number of different headings, depending on the job(s) I was applying for.  And that’s when the panic kicks in as to how much I’ve written. Too much? Not Enough? Too long winded? Not enough buzzwords? Do they care about this? Who’s actually going to look at these? What are they looking for? Have I put the right thing under the right heading? What has everyone else written? Should I fill all of these things in, or only the most important bits?

And after 3 weeks – do I actually give a fuck any more?

I’ve written, re-written, edited and replaced a whole heap of stuff from the document, until I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to even think about it again. The form went on it’s merry electronic way last monday. And I haven’t even opened it or given it another thought until tonight. And I won’t be giving it another thought until I either get called for an interview, or I get told I have or haven’t got a job, sometime in September or October. It’s out of my hands. I’d like to say a big thanks to those people who sit near me, for putting up with my shit for the last few weeks, and for the help and support of people who were going through the same shit and yet still found time to pass on their advice, even when they didn’t really have any responsibility for me (Mr C and Mr O). You’ve been real fucking stars.

And the reason I’m angry about it doesn’t come down to the fucking appalling way that the company management blundered their way into it – constantly changing job descriptions, constantly fiddling with vacancy numbers, including people in the process who really shouldn’t be involved yet, the fact that I might be expected to work away from my current office 2 or 3 days a week, or be officially based on London, or letting us read about the actual number of people going as a result of the changes in a Union newsletter, rather than directly. No, I’m angry because I like what I do. And these motherfuckers might be about to rip that away from me, just so that the city and the government hit a fucking target.

I’ve learnt a lot of lessons in my current job. To be honest, this is the job where I actually started growing up and being responsible (and some people I work with may well read this and laugh – but it’s true). I was never really irresponsible, but I was kind of naiive, and really, still a boy.  And this job taught me any number of things that will serve me well in the future. Who to trust. How to deal with people openly and honestly.  How you should always help people out, in case you need their help some time in the future. How to piss managers off in such a polite way that they really can’t help but admit they’re wrong. How to create a great work atmosphere. How to spot other people’s agendas and how you can try to align them with yours. Loyalty. How to encourage other people to see what they’re really capable of. How to win other people’s respect. And how to pull a few stunts that can really put your managers in a tough spot, but have them back you up because they still respect your point of view (Thanks Mr T and Mrs Y!).

And this job has given me a load of new friends that I either still work with, or still keep in touch with. Friendships borne out of working together, getting into scrapes together, pulling some unorthodox development or maintenance without those above finding out. Friendships that’ll last because they’re based on more than what we got up to at work. To all those people who might be reading that I’ve worked with over the years, and who I’ve shared a beer with – it’s been a fucking blast, and I wouldn’t have swapped it for anything.

Hopefully, in September/October I can look back on this post and think “what was I worried about”?

Let’s hope so.